Hogwarts goes Weird Al!
by Hedw1g
Summary: Dumbledore thinks that Hogwarts needs a little cheering up in the form of a concert. Using songs by Weird Al Yankovic! I was feeling goofy when I wrote this, but Please R&R anyway!
1. Default Chapter

**Disclaimer: **I swear that I do not own Harry Potter, or any of these Weird Al songs. Just wanted to have a little fun! (Don't sue me!)

The Great Hall was buzzing with excitement as the students gathered for the beginning of the Humorous songfest that Dumbledore came up with because he thought the school needed cheering up after Voldemort had attempted to kill Harry Potter again.  
Dumbledore stood on the stage that had been set up and began to explain what this concert was about to entail.  
"The songs you will hear are taken from muggle songs I am sure you are all familiar with. We have several different students who will sing more than one song each." He explained, his blue eyes twinkling.  
"The Students performing are as follows: From Griffindor we have! Harry Potter, Ronald weasley. Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley.   
From Slytherin we have! Draco Malfoy, Gregory Goyle, Vincent Crabbe and Pansy Parkinson.  
And our only preformance from a professor, is from Severus Snape!  
Now, I am to understand that none of the Hufflepuffs or Ravenclaws can sing for squat, so, that's about it. Have fun!"  
With that, Dumbledore walked off the stage and sat down nearby to enjoy the show.  
Everyone watched with excited anticipation as Crabbe, Goyle and Pansy walked up on stage and went to the instruments.  
Goyle took the electric guitar, Pansy took the keyboard and Crabbe the drums.  
A Hufflepuff girl walked up and took the microphone. "Welcome Hogwarts!" she said loudly "First up we have Harry Potter, with 'I wanna new Duck'!"  
The crowd cheered as Harry took center stage and the microphone.  
He nodded to the slytherins behind him and they started to play.  
Harry then began to sing to the music of the 80's hit 'I want a new drug'

I wanna new duck,  
One that won't try to bite,  
One that won't chew a hole in my socks,  
One that won't quack all night,  
I wanna new duck!  
One with big webbed feet,  
One that knows how to wash my car,  
And keep his room real neat.

One that won't raid the icebox,  
One that will stay in shape,  
One that's never gonna try to migrate or escape  
Or I'll tie him up with duct tape.

I wanna new duck,  
A mallard I think,  
One that won't make a mess of my house  
Or build a nest in the bathroom sink

I wanna new duck,  
One that won't steal my beer  
One that won't stick his bill in my mail,  
One that knows the duck stops here!

One that won't drive me crazy.  
Waddling all around,  
One who'll teach me how to swim and help me not to drown  
And show me how to get down  
How to get down, baby. Get it?

(music plays for a minute, Pansy using the keyboard's duck sounds)

I wanna new duck,  
Not a swan or a goose,  
Just a drake I can dress real cut,  
Think I'm gonna name him Bruce  
I wanna new duck!  
Not a quail or and owl  
One that won't moult too much,  
One that won't smell too fowl!

One that won't beg for breadcrumbs  
Hanging around all day,  
He better mind his manners, better do just what I say,  
Or he's gonna be duck pate! Duck pate yeah yeah!

(music plays until song ends.)

END.

The Audience went wild and laughed through most of the song! Harry bowed and walked off stage as the Hufflepuff girl nobody knew came back on stage to announce the next singer.  
"Thank you Harry, that was hilarious. Next up, we have our very own, Draco Malfoy, singing a song he dedicated to Pansy Parkinson. It's called 'One More Minute'!"  
Malfoy came on stage, causing several girls to swoon, and took the microphone.  
Harry, Ron and Crabbe took the three microphones behind Malfoy and started the song as the backup singers.  
Then Malfoy began to sing like Elvis:

Well I heard that you're leavin'  
Gonna leave me far behind,  
Coz you found a brand new lover,  
You decided that I'm not your kind.  
So I pulled name out of my rolodex.  
And I tore all your pictures in two  
And I burned down the malt shop,  
Where we used to go,  
Just because it reminds me of you!

That's right, (back up singers: "that's right") you ain't gonna see me crying,  
I'm glad (Back up: "Im glad!") that you've found somebody new,  
Coz I'd rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass,  
Than spend one more minute with you.

I guess I might seem kinda bitter,  
You got me felling down in the dumps  
Coz I'm stranded all alone,  
In the gas station of love,  
And I have to use the self service pumps!  
Oh so Honey, let me help you with that suitcase,  
You ain't gonna break my heart in two.  
Coz I'd rather get a hundred thousand paper cuts on my face,  
Than spend one more minute with you.

I'd rather rip out my intestines with a fork  
Than watch you going out with other men,  
I'd rather slam my fingers in a door  
Again and again and again and again and again!  
Can't you see what I'm tryin' to say darling I'd,  
Rather have my blood sucked out by leeches  
(Back up: "leeches!")  
Shove an icepick under a toenail or two,  
I'd rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station, with my tongue,  
Than spend one more minute with you.  
yes I'd rather jump naked, on a huge pile of thumbtacks  
Or stick my nostrils together with crazy glue  
I'd rather dive into a swimming pool filled with double edged razor blades,  
Than spend one more minute with you.

I'd rather rip my heart out of my ribcage with my bare hands and then throw on the floor and stomp on it til I die,  
Than spend, one more minute, wiiith you!

END.

Malfoy bowed as the crowd applauded and then he walked off the stage leaving a shocked looking Pansy behind.

A/N: Don't ask where I got this idea from, I like Harry Potter and I like Weird Al Yankovic coz he's funny. (shrugs). Don't sue me!


	2. Chapter two, Ron's song

Chapter two.

The Hufflepuff girl took the microphone again to announce the next song.  
"Please welcome Ronald Weasly, who will be singing "You don't love me anymore"  
The audience clapped as Ron took the microphone and sat down on a stool. Malfoy sat down on the stool next to Ron's and picked up a guitar and began to play.  
Then Ron started to sing in a melancholy way.

We've been together for so very long,  
But now things are changing, oh I wonder what's wrong,  
Seems you don't want me around,  
The passion has gone and the flame's died down  
I guess I lost a little bit of self esteem,   
That time that you made it with the whole quidditch team,  
You used to think I was nice,  
Now you tell all your friends that I'm the antichrist.  
Ohh, why did you disconnect the brakes on my car,  
That kind of thing is hard to ignore,  
Gotta funny feeling, you don't love me anymore.

I knew that we were having problems when,  
You put those pirana's in my bathtub again,  
You're still the light of my life,  
Oh darlin' I'm begging won't you put down that knife  
Y'know I, even think it's kinda cute the way,  
You poison my coffee just a little each day,  
I still remember the way that you laughed,  
When you pushed me down the elevator shaft.  
Oh if you don't mind me asking, what's this poisonous cobra,  
Doing in my underwear drawer?  
Sometimes I get to thinking, you don't love me anymore.

You slammed my face down on the barbecue grill,  
Now my scars are all healing, but my heart never will.  
You set my house on fire,  
You pulled out my chest hairs with an old pair of pliers,  
Oh you, think I'm ugly and you say I'm cheap,  
You shaved off my eyebrows while I was asleep.  
You drilled a hole in my head,  
Then you dumped me in a drainage ditch and left me for dead,  
Oh y'know this really isn't like you at all,  
You've never acted this way before,  
Honey something tells me, you don't love me anymore,

Oh noooo no,  
Gotta funny feeling,  
You don't love me anymore.

Malfoy played a few more chords, then ended the song. 

The crowd were laughing so hard they forgot to clap!

The hufflepuff girl came back on as Ron and Malfoy walked off the stage and announced that they were taking a break.


End file.
